


I Want To Have Your Babies!

by ChickenGoesMoo, Devral, SpiderKatana



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: A/B/O Sexism Mentioned, Alpha!Wade, Alternate Universe - Alpha/Beta/Omega, Anti-Alpha Slurs, But let's face it he always starts off following Spidey so is anyone really surprised?, Canon-Typical Violence, Loss of Limb But It Reattaches So It's Cool, M/M, Mentioned Body Modification, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega!Spidey, Omeganist Alpha!Wade, Proud Omega!Spidey, Semi-Stalker!Deadpool, a/b/o dynamics, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 14:36:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20695175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenGoesMoo/pseuds/ChickenGoesMoo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devral/pseuds/Devral, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiderKatana/pseuds/SpiderKatana
Summary: Spider-Man has rejected Deadpool's advances more times than he can count. He's an omega, sure, but that doesn't mean he's going to fall for every Alpha that shows interest. Even if that interest doesn't seem to fade over the course of two years. He's determined to get the mercenary to leave him alone. He's heard every line in the book and nothing, absolutely NOTHING, Deadpool says can surprise him anymore.He's completely certain of that. Right up until Deadpool screams, "I want to carry your babies!"





	I Want To Have Your Babies!

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to our lovely Beta Readers, HeraZ and sofreakingmanyfandoms, who made this flow so much better than it would have otherwise. Much love from us for making this possible. <3 
> 
> To all readers, this is our first one-shot collaboration and we hope to bring more to life soon! This one's based on ChickenGoesMoo's prompt on the Isn't It Bromantic? Discord Server and it's one of the cutest and softest things I've ever been a part of. So enjoy!

It was hard to focus on fighting a villain when Deadpool was around, mostly because the mercenary was _ distracting. _ By distracting, he didn’t just mean loud, crude, and overly flirtatious, though that too. Peter barely managed to duck away from a throwing knife that a criminal threw at his head because his spider sense was always dulled around the guy, and his inner omega self seemed to deem the alpha’s presence safe enough to let his guard down. Peter's senses weren't _ perfect _ and if he couldn't focus, his reflexes slowed down, and one day Deadpool was going to get him _ killed _ by comparing his ass to a melon or- more specifically- _ two melons _ in public. It would be the most _ embarrassing _ way to go.

Deadpool took a shot at the ninja in the alley, which, honestly? Peter would have to venture into Hell's Kitchen at some point to have a little chat with Daredevil about keeping his villains in line because ninjas were not a thing in Queens _ before _and Peter wanted to keep it that way. That, or he would have to have a very long, in-depth talk with Deadpool about not using his less than reputable contacts to concoct some wild scenario to keep the two of them in close quarters for longer than need be. 

Peter always felt weird about working with other vigilantes, mostly because he was the only one he knew about that was outwardly Omega and unashamed. Peter had been hit on by people on both sides of the law because he refused to mask his scent like he did his face. Deadpool was by far the most persistent of his admirers, but thankfully he hadn’t yet managed to come up with some hare-brained scheme to tie New York’s webbed wonder to him. It was easier when all Peter had to do was fight crime, and not fight for his own virtue. 

Though, fighting the ninjas was a nice reprieve. They had yet to bring up his secondary gender, or make taunts about how easy he would be to best because of it. Then again, Deadpool wasn’t giving any of them much of a chance to. 

Said ninja dodged every bullet and Peter almost got stabbed in the side when Deadpool yelled out, "You jumpy motherfucker, _ stay still!" _

The knife tore Peter's suit, but the only thing it did to his skin was leave a thin scratch that didn't even bleed as Peter bent backward on one leg, one palm touching the ground as he used his other arm to steady himself and his free leg came up to the guy's throat. He privately rolled his eyes at Deadpool's comment because _ since when did criminals ever listen to direct commands? _ It was like telling the guy on screen in a horror movie to leave the haunted house; they never did. 

And then, _ finally, _ his unsolicited patrol partner did something useful and sent a throwing knife of his own flying at the guy Peter was trying to pin down. The ninja almost dodged Peter's attack on his windpipe by falling backward the way Spider-Man had earlier, but it suddenly became obvious that if he tried, he would be in the perfect position for the weapon to rip into his side. If Peter knew anything about Deadpool it was that he took an insane amount of care with his weapons. Anything the man carried could and _ would _ be lethal under the right circumstances and any criminal worth fighting knew it, too. Peter hated to admit it, but even the man’s rampant Alpha scent could be considered a weapon all on its own, which was a very helpful reminder about just why he didn’t team up with anyone. He didn’t need to accidentally imprint on anyone, or bond just because they occasionally fought together. 

Instead of replicating Peter’s move, the ninja made the mistake of dodging sideways to misdirect Spider-man, deeming him the lesser threat and Peter grinned as his foot skirted just beside the guy's ear, because in less than a second, Peter changed the course of his attack and slammed his calf sideways into the guy's temple, knocking him out _ clean. _

The impact wouldn't be enough to kill the guy, but it would definitely keep him knocked out long enough for Peter to drag his unconscious body against the wall and web him up for the cops. 

He was just lifting the guy over his shoulder when he heard a low whistle that was much closer than he had expected it to be. His spider sense _ seriously _ needed to start keeping up with Deadpool. It was becoming a problem because, while his senses were extremely lax, his inner omega was squealing with delight. He definitely didn’t want to encourage that. A vigilante superhero couldn’t be soft, especially one that was publically an omega. 

It certainly didn’t help that the newspapers had been after him since day one. The moment he teamed up with someone, all of that credit would go to the ‘Team Alpha.’ Unless there was a screw up- that would all be on Peter, because, ‘This is why we don’t let omegas do an Alpha's work.’

"Damnnn, _ Baby Boy, _ hit me like that and I'm _ yours-" _

"Don't call me that," Peter snapped for the umpteenth time. He shook himself out of his thoughts, snapping a quick glare at Deadpool. 

Peter held the criminal ninja dude against the wall in a standing position with one arm while he used his free hand to web the guy's shoulders to the brick surface. No movement. He belatedly added, "And you've been offering for the past two _ years, _ so I don't think I'd have to put in that much effort if I wanted you-" 

He turned to face Deadpool once he'd webbed the criminal's wrists and ankles down so that he couldn't suddenly wake up and attack him and Peter stumbled back a step in the alley when he realized how _ close _ Deadpool was. For a moment Deadpool's mask had been a mere inch from his own and Peter was _ uncomfortable _with the proximity. It made his body react and that wasn't safe, no matter what his senses and omega side tried to trick him into believing. "Is that an offer, Webs? Because-" 

"It is not," Peter informed him, voice harsh and cutting. He felt slightly guilty when the mercenary's shoulders drooped forward in disappointment, but only slightly. Sure, Wade was outwardly pro-omega and had been long before he stopped killing as often, but Peter didn’t put too much stock in that. He had dated self-proclaimed ‘_ Omeganist’ _ Alphas before and in the end they were always _ liars _. They didn't actually believe in equal rights for omegas and it was just a ploy to subdue a mate, to expand their options by presenting themselves as the less disgusting Alphas of society. Peter wasn't stupid enough to fall for that trick more than once. 

A shot rang out and Peter jumped out of the way but Deadpool _ lunged himself forward _ and the bullet shredded his elbow entirely, ripping his arm clean off with an arc of red that would nauseate Peter once he let himself think about it, but right then he was too busy taking off in the direction of the shot, _ furious _ with himself for letting Deadpool distract him so much that his senses couldn't even pick up on a _ gun aimed in their direction. _ He searched for the assailant, but whoever it was must have dropped the gun because his senses weren't going off. No one in the area was a threat anymore, and Peter made his way back to the alley with agitated strides. 

This. _This_ was the problem he had with Deadpool following him around. His omega took hold of so much of his focus that his senses were _next to_ _useless_ the closer the Alpha came to him. He felt the beginning of a slight headache building when he approached and found that Deadpool was _arguing with the ninja dude._

He cleared his throat and Deadpool stood up straight and waved at Peter cheerfully with his one attached arm. He apparently tried to wave with both arms, but he just managed to wiggle the stump of his left arm for a moment before realizing that wasn’t working. Ninja dude glared at them both. Peter rolled his eyes, wishing his mask was even half as good at emoting as Deadpool's so that the merc could _ see _\- 

"You're rolling your eyes at me, aren't cha, Spidey?" 

Peter blinked. And then he scowled because Deadpool knew him a little too well for Peter's comfort. He went to grab the mercenary's severed arm just to give himself something to do that didn't involve arguing with his alpha stalker while they waited for the police. He would not dignify that question with a response. 

"He's so done with you, man. That look is _ annoyance-" _ The criminal snapped his mouth shut when both Spider-Man and Deadpool turned to look at him with stiff jaws and glares deepening the creases in their masks. 

With that handled, Peter handed the bloody appendage to Deadpool with a small shudder and felt the need to say, "You know, you really should take better care of yourself." 

He was just about to add that it wasn't very appealing to pick up the man's limbs, but Deadpool grinned his way, mask stretched so wide that one of the stitches looked like it was coming loose as he replied, "No need, Baby Boy, I've got you!" 

Peter turned on his heel with a huff. It wasn't his job to take care of Deadpool, he wasn't the mercenary's omega, and _ even if he had been, _ the man would get a rude awakening if he ever expected Peter to clean up his messes. He ignored the part of him that whispered about how he had, just for a second, considered being Deadpool's omega, but he batted the thought away and prepared his stance to take off and wait for the cops from a rooftop. Sure, Deadpool would follow him, but at least he would get five minutes of peace before he heard another stupid pickup line- 

"Wait, Spidey! Just wanted to add one _ tiny, short _ thing before you go. I swear it's _ important if you would just-" _ Deadpool cut off the explanations when Spider-Man shot a strand of webbing to the nearest roof and finally just screamed, _ "I want to carry your babies!" _

-or not. The hand that gripped his shoulder sent a cold wave of shock down his spine and Peter shook it off sharply as he turned back towards Deadpool with a triumphant scowl. “Did you pay the ninjas to show up in my side of town?” Peter accused. "I _ knew _something fishy was going on and then you showed up to help! It was just a ploy to get into my…" He paused and blinked stupidly at the mercenary as the words finally registered in his brain. "Wait, what?”

He'd heard wrong. He had _ obviously _ heard wrong, his omega side was messing with his head in a hazy attempt to lure him toward its desired mate. There was no way Deadpool would _ ever say- _

"Okay, but hear me out! I will pay millions for studies for someone to figure out how to give an Alpha ovaries,” Wade admitted over-enthusiastically, like he hadn’t even been listening to Peter’s accusation over the sound of daydreams dancing through his head. “I will carry your children, just give me one date. One, Webs! Just one!" Wade offered puppy eyes through his mask, waving his severed arm for emphasis.

Peter gaped at him, distantly recognizing that the bound villain on the wall was snorting at their conversation, but too focused on the _ impossible _ suggestion Deadpool was offering him. This had to be a prank. “Deadpool, it… doesn’t work like that,” he said flatly. 

“What wouldn’t work?” Wade tilted his head. “Getting ovaries? I mean, I’m sure I could find a doctor willing to do it with enough money and creative threats. My blades make all the mortals sing, and getting the ovaries implanted so that I can make babies? I’m willing to try forever and ever. Practice makes perfect, ya know!" He winked through the mask and ordinarily the action would have pissed Peter off because he didn't understand _ how _ Deadpool's mask worked, but today it didn't even phase him as much as the words _ forever and ever. _ Deadpool probably had no idea he was chipping away at Peter's self control as he added, "Well, you probably _ don’t _ know that, being _ born _ perfect and all.”

"No practicing, what the he- _ heck_?" Peter _ barely _ caught himself before swearing. "No, just- _ none of that!" _ he exclaimed, face flaming. He was never more grateful for his mask than at that moment, the word _ perfect _ sinking into his chest and giving him warm, content feelings he couldn't get rid of. “Besides!" he said when he finally regained control of his speech, "You would be _ seriously _ messing up your body-" 

"I heal, so it's okay-" 

It was like Peter could _ hear _ the violent tug at the edge of his heart that showed how adamantly his omega disagreed. Peter ignored it. Deadpool was _ not _ his Alpha, and he couldn't make his own attachment to the man obvious. He _ would _be rational about this. He was an adult; he could handle this and turn the guy away. 

"Even if it _ were _ a possibility," he began. "Precisely because you heal, it could never be permanent and I don't even," he paused before saying anything else because he wasn't sure how his supposed friend would take it; he'd never revealed to anyone, not even _ Aunt May, _ that, "I'm not even sure I _ want _ children-" 

Wade smiled back easily, not even phased. "Okay, that's cool, no kids is cool! You're the only Baby Boy I need-" 

Peter felt like his head was spinning. There was no way this was going to be that easy of a switch. Especially with the way Wade had obviously put so much thought behind it. "You... don't want kids." 

"Nope!” Wade chirped, tossing his arm into the air like a baton, catching it by it’s limp wrist, and shoving it back against his elbow socket with a squelching slurp that Peter totally wasn’t going to have nightmares about. The way Wade could carry on a full conversation seamlessly while picking bits of himself off the sidewalk was quite a surprise, considering how easily distracted the man was by just about anything else. “Not if you don't want one. I mean, I already have a kid or three out there in the multiverse, I can live without one in this universe, it’s cool."

Peter ignored the multiverse comment and the arm reattaching itself to his torso, too focused on the sheer improbability of what the other man was blatantly offering. At this point, Peter was all but certain Wade must just be trying to get a rise out of him. "You, an Alpha, don't want kids." 

It was a joke. He was sure of it, and it hurt because he _ didn't want it to be a joke. _

Deadpool wasn’t even fully looking at him anymore, distracted by turning his severed arm this way and that against his stump, trying to get it to fully reattach. “No, sir!” He looked at Peter with glee, wiggling his fingers.

Peter gaped at him for so long that Deadpool reached out to poke him with the previously severed hand. “Hey, Webs, did I break you?”

"You- did you- did you just- did you call me _ 'sir’?" _ Peter stammered out, barely able to believe his ears. In the entirety of his 24 years of life, he had _ never _ heard _ any Alpha _ call an omega by an honorific. It wasn't… it just _ wasn't done. _ Peter was floored by it, mostly because no Alpha would _ ever _ call an omega, _ 'sir.' _ Not even as a ploy for sex. It seemed too much, even for a joke! It was… Alphas considered it _ demeaning _ and Peter didn't want to demean anyone but the idea that an Alpha, that _ Deadpool _ \- an infamous _ mercenary _ \- would practically kneel for him was insane, ridiculous, unbelievable. Deadpool's voice calling him _ sir _ played over and over in Peter's head like a mantra, and it was _ intoxicating. _

A high string of laughter struck Peter out of the moment as the criminal cackled and looked at Deadpool with disgust. "You're a _ Queen _ Alpha?" Peter had no idea what a Queen Alpha was but the way Deadpool tensed didn't make him think it was anything good. "I didn't even know you fuckers were _ real, _holy shit. So that's why you're all built, huh? Overcompensating for the lack of a package-" 

Deadpool merely shrugged and adjusted himself in his suit, an action which would have had Peter's face flaming if he wasn't glaring at the two bit ninja from Hell's Kitchen. 

"Do I look like a defective Alpha to you? Just because I love a good, _ hard _ cock up my ass doesn't mean I can't care for an Omega. Though I might admit to the deviant part of the description," the merc replied, grinning as he started taking steps toward the webbed up criminal and Peter was starting to realize this wasn't a ruse. Deadpool wouldn't hire anyone for some elaborate scenario if they were going to insult him and suddenly Peter had a very bad feeling about what the man would do if their bound ninja kept talking. 

His Alpha- _ no, the Alpha- _ let his hand tighten on one of his guns and Peter could tell he wasn't going to use it, but the ninja didn't know that and he paled as Deadpool took the weapon out of its holster and lovingly cleaned it with a Kleenex from one of his pouches. 

Said Alpha's voice was bright and cheery as he chirped, "I wouldn't mind if _ Webs _ called me his Queen Alpha." 

The ninja flinched, but his glare grew more intense. Peter wanted this conversation to be over, but he lost his ability to make sounds beyond a startled hum of surprise. 

Deadpool had implied that… that in the event of a mating, he would be _ Spider-Man's _ as much as Spider-Man would be _ his. _ An even partnership. Sure, he'd said it in a quiet rage to a stranger, but even acknowledging that he would be Peter's in that scenario, in any way, was… amazing. Deadpool wasn't joking. He wasn't lying, he didn't _ just _ want to get into Spider-Man's pants and Peter was _ breathless _ at the realization. So much so that the added, "He can use me for my knot, or just use me in general because I fucking _ like _ it," didn't make him a stuttering mess of denial or even really phase him. 

Then Deadpool said, "But you're a fucking _ rando bad guy _ , so let me teach you a thing about having some _ goddamn respect, you speck of filth-" _

Ninja guy seemed to lose his sense of self-preservation entirely as he snarled, "You like a cock up your ass because yours isn't large enough to be up to the task. You're a _ disgrace _to the name of our kind-" 

"I'll have you know my size is a hell of a lot more appealing than yours, _ dickless," _ Deadpool growled, violently sliding one katana out of its sheath in an arc that promised murder as he added, "Keep talking and _ Daddy's gonna make the name stick." _

Peter didn't know why the taunting look on the stranger's face infuriated him so much, but he moved before he made the actual choice to do so, his fist launching forward into the man's jaw so hard it popped out of the socket and Peter grimaced as spit flew all over his glove. He took hold of the guy's jaw and smacked it back into place, stunned when the sound of the guy's muffled scream gave him a small sense of _ victory _ deep in his chest. 

"Holy shit, sweetheart. That was…" 

Deadpool trailed off in _ awe _ and Peter turned toward him again as the criminal breathed raggedly behind him, "Really hot, yeah, I know. You've told me. About a million and a half times already. You've never offered to carry my children before, though. That was new." 

It seemed two-bit no one from Hell's Kitchen hadn't learned his lesson because he piped up with a slightly garbled and breathless, "'Cause he's a freak o' nature." 

“Shut up, knot for brains!” Deadpool kicked at the webbed ninja.

“Hey now,” Peter reached out toward Deadpool, webbing the other guy's mouth shut distractedly. “Don’t kick them when they’re down!” 

“Uh, that’s the best time to kick an Alpha!" Deadpool protested, nodding sagely as he added, "I know this from personal experience."

Peter couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of him. “Wow, you've been kicked a lot while you’re down?”

Sadness seemed to weigh the other’s shoulders down at the question and Peter regretted asking, but he didn't let it show. The last thing he wanted was for Deadpool to think Spider-Man pitied him. “Well, yeah,” Deadpool shrugged a little bitterly. “Who hasn’t been kicked a few times?” 

“Aw, Red, I’m sorry!" Peter blurted out. Deadpool's head snapped right back up to stare at him and Peter winced. Red wasn't a nickname he used for Deadpool very often. He'd only used it the few times he'd been on Death's door and Deadpool had saved him. Even if he was bitter about occasionally relying on an Alpha, he had felt vulnerable and needy on those occasions, and the name just slipped. The mercenary didn't call attention to it, and Peter was infinitely grateful. He was a mess. An Alpha called him sir _ once _ and suddenly he had no idea how to hold a proper conversation. In a hasty attempt to direct their little talk away from his slip up, he clarified, "I didn’t mean to drag this conversation down like that.” 

Deadpool shook out his shoulders, straightening back up as though the motion and Spider-Man's obvious soft tone had shaken off the weight of whatever memories had brought him down. “Anyway!” he blurted out, tone excessively cheerful, “If I take you out on this date, I do have one requirement we should talk about beforehand.” 

Peter quirked a brow at the man, forgetting for a second that he was still wearing his mask as he asked, _ “Wow, _ you’re adding requirements now? I thought you were willing to carry my babies?” 

His words were tinged with sarcasm and doubt, but Deadpool nodded to each word like he agreed to every bit of it and it left Peter feeling wrong-footed and unsteady. 

“Oh, I absolutely am _willing to do that!_ This little requirement is actually kind of an extension of that.” Deadpool hesitated for a moment, one hand nervously tugging at the edge of his glove. “So, like… I know it’s a little out there and _kinky_, but I really _do _enjoy being on the receiving end of sex. I just want to put that out there before we go on a date and maybe even set up a second one! I don’t want any misconceptions. This isn’t that kind of fic, pinky promise!"

The request came so far out of left field that Peter couldn't do anything but stare at Deadpool in shock as the man held out one bloodstained, gloved pinky. 

“You what?!” He finally burst out, unable to contain his incredulity. He had misheard. Insanity was contagious, and Deadpool had told him a couple times that he had hallucinations. Evidently, it was catching. Peter _ knew _ he should have tried harder to get the merc to stop following him. He had assumed the sexual comments to the ninja had been a joke, meant to get a rise out of the guy, but Deadpool seemed serious and Peter didn't know how to handle it. 

“Aw, man!” Deadpool whined, actually _ whined. _ It was such an _ omega _ sound that Peter swallowed roughly. “Is that a no? That sucks such huge, hairy, donkey balls. _ Webs." _ It wasn't even Peter's _ name _ , but hearing Deadpool groan a nickname for him made him feel like his suit was too warm for the weather. "I really thought you might be perfect for me. My _ soulmate! _ My one, my only. You’re really not even _ a little bit _ into that kind of thing?” 

He was hedging for a positive reply, making _puppy_ _eyes _through the mask again somehow and Peter felt his mouth gaping open. It was embarrassing but he couldn't help it. What Deadpool was offering was something… something Peter never even _imagined_ he could have. Carefully, he swallowed again, aware that he was salivating and determined not to drool as he forced himself to ask, "You... you want that?" 

His voice came out so much deeper than Peter was used to, and he felt his breath hitch when he saw a tiny shiver run through Deadpool's body at the sound of the low baritone. 

The Alpha shifted his weight from one foot to the other and adjusted his pants over his crotch a _ second time _ and Peter fisted his hands at his sides to keep himself from doing anything impulsive as Wade softened his voice into a nearly hypnotic tone and admitted, "I crave it. Kind of need it? See, regeneration takes a lot of energy so if I'm not regenerating, I kind of get really... _ really _ needy." He took a few slow, deliberate steps toward Peter and Peter absolutely failed to move further away as Wade went on with his hushed words. "So I tend to get hurt a lot and stuff but... if you wanna fuck me, problem solved." 

Peter didn't think it was a good idea, but he fucking _ wanted. _ Every little piece of him _ needed. _

And then Deadpool took a step back and Peter almost let his arms reach out to pull the larger man against him, but he grit his teeth and restrained himself as Wade added, "If you want, I mean- you can say _ no, _ obviously, I just thought- _ maybe-" _ He paused, went quiet for all of two seconds and then his rant took an _ entirely new direction _ as he said, “See, the thing is everyone is all about how Alphas are 'instinctual pleasure seekers,' and all that bull. Well, there is more than _ one way _ to get that pleasure, rather than forcing yourself onto someone. I just like to be well rounded and _ well fucked _ and any alpha who doesn't like a dick up their ass has _ never had a dick up their ass, _ probably only a stick!" 

His words were extremely blunt and proud and they had Peter _ flailing _ for a response. What he came up with was a startled and quite pathetic, "I haven't even agreed to a date yet!" 

He wasn't saying that he _ wouldn't, _ but he was also very unprepared for this… _ discussion _ that Wade seemed to believe they were ready for. 

Said mercenary shrugged one shoulder and fiddled with one of his pouches in what seemed to be a nervous tick that Peter had never noticed before. His fingers kept clicking the little pouch shut, opening it again with a tiny snap as he replied, “I figured it was best to get this out there right away. I’ve had a lot of dates decide they couldn’t have anything to do with me because of what I need in the bedroom. You would think my _ face _ would be the major problem, but apparently my melted butterface isn't that bad! _ Who knew?" _

His voice was all bubbly and cheerful, as if he felt none of the nerves he was displaying, and Peter would have stopped to analyze how well he actually seemed to know Wade if he wasn't _ offended _ at what the merc was implying about him.

“I would never do that!” Peter shouted defensively, skirting over the appearance thing because if he commented on the one time he saw Wade's face, his omega would reduce him to gushing about the Alpha, and he didn't need the humiliation. He only settled when he realized that Deadpool was still looking right at him expectantly, waiting for a _ real _ answer. “And anyway!" Peter blurted, "I- I don’t even know you well enough for- for… Okay. Okay, just- if I _ was _ interested? Emphasis on _ if. _ What… when would we be… doing… that?”

It felt difficult for his mouth to shape words because the thought alone was making his skin feel hot and it was hard to focus when the spandex felt tighter than usual. His feet shifted just an inch further apart and he _ knew _ it was his omega biology trying to impress a potential mate with his physical appearance, but he never thought it would come out for _ Deadpool. _

Grinning widely because he’d evidently _ noticed_, Wade inched close again, tipping his head down toward Peter’s and even though they were both still wearing masks, Peter's senses were in overdrive. He could feel the Alpha's breath on his jaw even though there were at least three inches and two masks between them and it stunned him to realize he _ didn't hate the feeling _ , especially when Wade softened his voice again to that same mesmeric, _ spellbinding _tone as before and said, “Whenever you want, Baby Boy. I’m pretty flexible." 

Peter felt like he was hooked on every syllable and, just this _ once_, he didn't correct Wade on the nickname. 

Before he could think of anything to say, how to _ agree _ without seeming too eager, Wade felt the need to happily add, "Pretty easy, too, I mean. I can wait if you’re not ready, but say the word and I’ll be there with _ bells _ and a bag from Victoria’s Secret.”

It was Peter’s turn to shiver and Wade definitely noticed; he _ always _ seemed to notice. He was standing close enough by that point that Peter could feel his body heat against his own, and he had the sudden mental image of himself shredding through the fabric of their suits with his bare hands in the dirty alleyway. _ Insanity. _ He had _ definitely _ lost his mind. 

Fingers in black leather traced lightly over Peter's spandex covered collarbone, and he could feel every centimeter where that touch lingered as though his skin had been set on fire. "Sooooo, since you would _ never _ turn someone down just because of a few kinks,” Wade all but purred, “Are you _ going _to agree to a date with me?”

Peter was _ uncomfortably _ hard because Wade somehow knew how to make himself sound absolutely _ pornographic, _ and Peter wanted to do things he would probably regret later if they happened in public with a _ witness _ webbed nearby. He could already see the headlines of the Daily Bugle - not that there wouldn't be some creative smear pieces on their conversation _ alone, _ but nothing quite as scandalous as a public fuck while waiting for the police. 

Instead of indulging in wild fantasies, Peter unceremoniously stuck his hand in the pouch on the far right end of Deadpool's belt, digging around for a sharpie and watching as the excitement lighting up Wade's mask died a little when he realized Spider-Man was _ not _ going to give him a sudden handjob. It made Peter snort before he let out a victorious, "Aha!" 

It was a black sharpie but Wade had good eyesight, being a professional marksman and all, so Peter wrote his phone number on the back of the mercenary's glove and smiled as he heard sirens approaching. 

"Spidey, are you giving me your number, _ oh my God, yes, finally, _ I've waited so long, Baby Boy, wait. Wait, that's in _ black sharpie-" _

Peter let his smile grow into a _ beaming _ grin as he shot a web across the street at an apartment complex and launched himself into the air with a parting shout of, "Call me, 'Pool!" 

He could hear Wade cursing from a distance and even though swinging with a hard on was _ quite the agonizing experience, _ Peter smiled the entire way to his apartment. 

* * *

Deadpool watched that delicious Spidey booty go for just a moment too long, thinking of how glorious it would look flexing with each pounding thrust into him and wondering if he could just fill a room with mirrors so he could see every angle of it for their fun times, before dashing onto the nearest busy street and accosting a random passerby who conveniently held a coffee cup in their left hand. 

"I need a white napkin, _ right now!" _ Okay, so maybe he didn’t actually mean to threateningly wave a gun in her face. He just had a tiny bad habit of getting a little handsy when he was stressed, and this was _ prime stress material. _ It also just so happened that his belt of weapons tended to be the nearest thing to said hands. 

Oh, who the fuck was he kidding? Spider-Man was long gone, but he was totally to blame for this particular stickup. If Wade didn't get to worship that ass, _there would be blood_._ Lots of blood._ _A river of blood. _"Make it happen!" he snapped, gun waving intensifying. "Momma doesn’t like to wait!"

The beta lady fumbled in her purse for a few seconds too long due to unnecessary trembling and Wade may have been glaring, but he couldn't help it. This was a matter of life and death! Life. And. _ Death. _ Besides, what did she think he was going to _ do _ , kill her? He went still as he suddenly came to the realization that the gun _ probably _ wasn’t a good idea. Probably. Before he could put it away, she was holding out a wrinkled napkin with a trembling hand, "Uh, sir?"

"Oh, you are perfection!" He snatched it from her hand, made a kissy noise with a wink at her retreating back, and carefully laid the napkin on the still slightly wet sharpie marks. The napkin wasn't the best for this purpose, but his options were limited and he desperately needed that phone number. The first three numbers were unfortunately too dry, but the rest did print well enough and there couldn't be _ that _many area codes in New York City. 

Okay, fine, so maybe he had to call five New York area codes before getting Spidey's number right. That wasn’t desperate, was it? Some people might consider it _ enthusiastic _ . He was like a prince, trying to make sure the glass slipper he had was the same one belonging to the hottie from earlier in the day. Or year. Or two years... Eh, who was he kidding, he'd been drooling over Spidey for quite a _ long… hard… time _ . Because of that, he may have been vigorously eager enough about trying to call that he mentally scarred the first person to answer, who happened to be an old woman. And by mentally scarred, he meant that he may or may not have asked her what she was wearing after describing in vivid detail what he wanted her to do to him, but all's fair in love and war and the love was going to be fucking _ bountiful _ tonight! What mattered in the end was that, after several missteps, Spider-Man was finally the voice on the other end of the call!

"I had to call _ five _ numbers before I got yours, Baby Boy,” Wade hissed, the previous wind in his sails nearly extinguished after multiple failed attempts at kinky phone sex. “Do you understand how annoying it is to ask five different people if they're Spider-man? Two of them _ said yes!" _ He had kept those numbers saved in his contacts, just in case. Who was he to say that Spidey wasn't making his voice lower or higher to prank him? 

The voice on the other end sounded genuinely shocked, as it asked, “You called? You actually… oh.”

“Of course!" Wade snapped, more than a little ticked off that Webs doubted his devotion. It had been two _ years. _ What did a guy have to _ do to be taken seriously? _ "How else am I supposed to get webbed to a wall later?”

Just the idea had him squirming where he stood, he was so ready. So. Fucking. _ Ready _. 

“I thought- you mean you weren’t just teasing?” Spider-man asked, voice quiet and tentative, almost like he still wasn't sure Wade was serious and once again, it had been _ years. _

Wade was so incensed that he gasped in outrage. “Of course I wasn’t, Baby Boy!" How was he supposed to convince Webs of his sincerity if years of loyal booty compliments didn't work? Oh, right! He hurriedly added, "I will absolutely find someone to make carrying your babies possible, and then you can pound me through the nearest wall!" He stopped speaking abruptly as he realized actions spoke louder than words and he was an _ idiot. _ Of _ course, _ his cute little spider wanted cold hard evidence of his love. "You know what? I’ll call you back, you’re totes right, babe. I should have done that first, that way you'd _ know-” _

“No, no!” Spidey interrupted him, tone bordering on frantic as he elaborated, “Wait, did you forget I _ also _ said I wasn’t sure I wanted kids? Because that was a thing I said! I might not want kids, Wade, holy shit-” 

“Oh." He hadn't thought of much beyond the fact that his initial pick up line _ worked. _ "Yeah, I guess I did forget that for a minute,” Wade hummed. “Hey, though! I wasn’t lying about being fine with not having babies, either! Who needs babies? Babies are gross anyway. Cute, but gross! Seriously, I will do _ anything _ for a real date with you. It doesn't even have to be fancy, Webs, pizza in a laundromat or tacos on a rooftop. Just give me a _ chance _.” 

Disappointment started thrumming through Wade the longer Spidey took to answer. His favorite webbed hero must not have really meant any of it. He must have put his number in black sharpie on purpose, hoping it would dry before Wade could save it and call. He probably didn't even want anything to do with Deadpool, let alone a date. 

“Never mind,” Wade said bitterly. He didn’t need another obvious rejection. And no way did he want to listen to Spidey laughing at his gullibility. “You know what? I knew you were joking, Webs, it’s cool. No problem. Completely good." Every reassurance felt a little more hollow but Wade wasn't trying to convince Spidey as much as he was trying to convince himself. "And hey! I have your number now, I’ll have to text you sometime so we can meet up on _ purpose _ for patrol or something, that’ll be easier and-”

“Are you going to let me get a word in edgewise at any point in the next hour?" Webs said, cutting him off and Wade shut up real fast, mostly because his heart was halfway up his throat, and he had an image of a popular gif from the multiverse playing in his head with the words, 'Don't do that, don't give me hope.' 

His Baby Boy, oblivious to Wade's inability to speak at the moment, continued with, "Or are you just going to keep making assumptions about what I do and don’t want?” There was a laugh in his voice and Wade wanted to record it and put it on a loop for his ringtone just so that he could feel his heart melting over and over again. 

“Uh….” White noise rang in Wade’s head as he realized what his possibly future boyfriend meant and he started _ scrambling _ for something to say to that. “Um, definitely not, not anymore, I’m so sorry, Baby Boy! What did you want? I can listen! I'm the best at listening, totally boyfriend material right here, if you- if you want.” 

Wade swallowed on nothing as he waited for the man of all his _ favorite _ dreams to say something. 

There was silence on the other end of the line before a quiet, nervous little laugh bubbled through like music in Wade’s ears. “I know I gave you my number and everything," Webs began. He sounded so precious and unsure, and Wade just wanted to mark him up and bring the _ freak _ out, but no marking. Yet. He could wait. He wouldn't even bring that whole shebang up until _ Spidey _ decided it was something he wanted. Hopefully. _ God, _ Wade was hoping for it. Webs kept talking, though, adding, "And just for the record, I _ do want _ to go on a date. With you. Tacos or pizza or whatever, I _ do _ like you." Wade would scream and flail about in private over that particular admission later on; now was _ not the time. _Spidey still had more to say to him and Wade would always pay attention when his Baby Boy was involved. "I’m just… not quite sure what I’m supposed to do now.” 

Wade grinned at those hesitant words, moving deeper into the alley he had been making his calls in and pushing the speaker button so he could have his hands free. He felt warm and fuzzy but none of that was going to stop him from putting on a verbal _ symphony _ for his desired mate. He would ruin Webs for anyone else. It was still best to stick with the classics for a first time, though, and Wade was the _ classiest motherfucker _ on the East coast. 

He let his voice drop down to a low decibel and casually suggested, “You can start by asking me what I’m wearing?” 

There was a beat of silence before, a tad bit awkwardly, Spidey did what he asked. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone, hope you guys liked the fic. 
> 
> Here is a snippet on a discussion over which rating we should have. A compromise was made, but we still wanted to add it for entertainment value: 
> 
> [this is gonna be a T]  
{nope. E for sure}  
Dialogue dialogue dialogue…  
{see! He said fuck! Fuck is an E word}  
[he said it once. That still might get away with a pg13 rating. T]  
Dialogue, action, dialogue, smut.  
{there is a cock. Up an ass. How it’s it not E?}  
[… fine. It’s an E now. Are you happy?!?! You and your smut made this an E!!! You skipped M, that’s how filthy you are!!!]  
{I am immensely happy. Thank you for asking.}
> 
> Anyway! Please let us know what you thought. Comments. Keep. Us. Fed. 
> 
> Much love, the New One-Shot Squad.


End file.
